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Wednesday 26 June 2013
Dear Mr Ludwig, former Agricultural Minister for Australia
Congratulations on your early retirement. We trust you found your time as Agricultural Minister an enlightening one, and that after a few years in the job, you are now able to tell a sheep from a cow from a horse’s arse. We also hope you have learnt that livestock are not like iron ore, and that they cannot sit idle at wharf side while you attempt to appease some 18 million voters on the Eastern seaboard.
Did anything you heard at any of your meetings with any producers actually sink in at any point? We would hope so. We are sure any future employers would expect the ability to listen and learn to be a prerequisite, and to this we hope it has improved should you get bored of tax payer funded pension benefits, benefits which those left decimated by your few years at the reins (reins are the things which steer horses, at the opposite end of the horse’s arse) would greatly appreciate.
Of course, those feeling the financial strain from your earlier work would stand to benefit from your generous offer some two months ago of farm finance, finance that would be very handy for funding this year’s seeding program. It is somewhat a shame therefore that four weeks after most seeding programs have finished no one seems any the wiser as to how to apply for any of this imaginary funding. Timing is everything, and with this you missed the boat. And you managed to actually stop the boats during peak muster two years ago. And since your new regulations came in you have slowed the boats. Perhaps you grabbed the Immigration Portfolio by mistake in the Parliament smoko room?
How is your Mandarin? The language, not the citrus. We would suggest you possibly brush up on it a little, as we see food plants closing left, right and centre, and farms being snapped up for a song as each region gets its own version of Chinatown. Thankfully there is at least one country that values agriculture, which is lucky, because at the rate it’s going, that’s where your meals will be coming from soon enough.
On a brighter note, let us forward a hearty thanks on behalf of Somalia, Romania, Ethiopia, Nigeria and Sudan. Never has one man done so much for their thriving livestock industry. Your new “welfare” regulations on Australian livestock have been a Godsend to their own producers. In fairness to them, once we actually explained what animal welfare meant, they did do their best to stop laughing while asking us to convey their appreciation to you for getting Australia out of their way. You’re always welcome in the other one hundred and eight animal exporting nations. Just maybe not so much here anymore.
Finally, should you find yourself needing a reference for any prospective employers, please feel free to put us down as a contact. We will be sure to tell them exactly what we think of you and your time as Agricultural Minister.
Every Person Involved In Agriculture I’ve Talked To In The Last Two Years.
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