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Wednesday 26 June 2013

Ding Dong.

Dear Mr Ludwig, former Agricultural Minister for Australia

Congratulations on your early retirement. We trust you found your time as Agricultural Minister an enlightening one, and that after a few years in the job, you are now able to tell a sheep from a cow from a horse’s arse. We also hope you have learnt that livestock are not like iron ore, and that they cannot sit idle at wharf side while you attempt to appease some 18 million voters on the Eastern seaboard.

Did anything you heard at any of your meetings with any producers actually sink in at any point? We would hope so. We are sure any future employers would expect the ability to listen and learn to be a prerequisite, and to this we hope it has improved should you get bored of tax payer funded pension benefits, benefits which those left decimated by your few years at the reins (reins are the things which steer horses, at the opposite end of the horse’s arse) would greatly appreciate.

Of course, those feeling the financial strain from your earlier work would stand to benefit from your generous offer some two months ago of farm finance, finance that would be very handy for funding this year’s seeding program. It is somewhat a shame therefore that four weeks after most seeding programs have finished no one seems any the wiser as to how to apply for any of this imaginary funding. Timing is everything, and with this you missed the boat. And you managed to actually stop the boats during peak muster two years ago.  And since your new regulations came in you have slowed the boats. Perhaps you grabbed the Immigration Portfolio by mistake in the Parliament smoko room?

How is your Mandarin? The language, not the citrus. We would suggest you possibly brush up on it a little, as we see food plants closing left, right and centre, and farms being snapped up for a song as each region gets its own version of Chinatown. Thankfully there is at least one country that values agriculture, which is lucky, because at the rate it’s going, that’s where your meals will be coming from soon enough.

On a brighter note, let us forward a hearty thanks on behalf of Somalia, Romania, Ethiopia, Nigeria and Sudan. Never has one man done so much for their thriving livestock industry. Your new “welfare” regulations on Australian livestock have been a Godsend to their own producers. In fairness to them, once we actually explained what animal welfare meant, they did do their best to stop laughing while asking us to convey their appreciation to you for getting Australia out of their way. You’re always welcome in the other one hundred and eight animal exporting nations. Just maybe not so much here anymore.

Finally, should you find yourself needing a reference for any prospective employers, please feel free to put us down as a contact. We will be sure to tell them exactly what we think of you and your time as Agricultural Minister.


Every Person Involved In Agriculture I’ve Talked To In The Last Two Years.
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Jacana said...

So well written. Just priceless.

Michael said...

The only thing I don't agree with is that it was actually done to appease 200000 (1%) of the population who could be bothered to push a button to vote. A shame the irony will escape such a talented individual, amazing to imagine that nepotism alone got the clown his senate seat.

Michael said...

Thats true Michael. The 18 million came from a comment he made to me in Perth. "At the end of the day there's 18 million voters on the Eastern Seaboard who didnt like what they saw."

Which I took to mean if 500 WA sheep growers go broke to keep them happy, so be it.

CountryMouse said...

Great post truthful in a light hearted way.

Anonymous said...

Spot on Michael..and you have been extremely polite, informative and exceedingly helpful to this poor man who is now needing a job to put food on his table.. I know a little man named Murphy who might be able to help him out looking for a job. Perhaps a farm job in the NT would suit him...seeing as he knows so much about Ag and all...Somewhere near a croc infested river would be nice.;-)

Ms George said...

Just wanted to let you know there's a typo in your header. "Experiances" is actually spelled experiences. It somewhat jars.



Ms George said...

By the way I would have let you know via email but can't see an email address on your site. May want to add one?

Stop Live Exports said...

One of the few things we agreed on - Joe Ludwig's uselessness... perhaps for different reasons.

Nice to see that you've finally realised that livestock aren't like iron ore... they're not cargo, they're not freight - they're living, feeling, beings; living feeling beings that some people do and always will choose to eat, but for that ultimate sacrifice, you can at least... at LEAST grant them a pre-stunned death on home shores.

Stop Live Exports said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...


We'd love you to check out and register this blog with us.

We are building an extensive directory of Australian and New Zealand bloggers and we'd love you to be part of it.

Unknown said...

Thank you for such informative blog ... This will make the world know what a farmer goes through... Especially the so called Agricultural Ministers...

Farmer's Life

lara said...

Thanks for the blog. You truly bring to light the struggles of farming and what you go through trying to sustain your livelihood. Thanks again.