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Sunday, 22 April 2012

Welcome to the Hotel De Feedlote

Trained staff members
The Lobby office.

Greetings, and welcome to the Hotel De Feedlote, your premier pre embarkation resort for the discerning ovine. We trust your short stay with us will be pleasurable as we endeavour to meet your every whim and desire prior to your ocean cruise. Should anything not be to your satisfaction, please do not hesitate to make one of our many grounds staff aware of your concerns, and they will only be too happy to assist.

Please exit your taxi in an orderly fashion

Upon arriving at the Hotel de Feedlote, you will notice our extensive lobby area. It is here we will process and store your paperwork and assess whether we feel you will be suited to our resort. While we welcome all guests, at times we are required to isolate guests who we feel are not up to the rigours of ocean cruising. Please do not be offended by this, as we are only concerned for your well being, and it would be negligent of us to allow you on board the liner

Our lobby area is well watered, keeping the annoyance of dust to a minimum, for both yours and our grounds staffs comfort. Should you be delayed from moving to your allocated rooms, drinks and light snacks are available while you wait.

Kitchen delivery
You have been allocated shared accommodation with passengers similar to yourself. This is done for your benefit, even though you may have arrived in a mixed group. We find guests have a more comfortable stay if they are paired with similar patrons. We must stress that fraternisation between members of the opposite sex is not permitted, and to keep temptations at bay, ladies and gents have separate rooms.

Preparing the service trolley

Your rooms are made up ready for you, with fresh drinks and selection of the finest hay and pellets we have to offer. The pellets are an acquired taste, but we guarantee once acquired, you will be chasing the service trolley looking for more. You will be pleased to know this cuisine is the same as aboard the liner, so you will be well accustomed to the fine dining on board.

Quick & painless manicure

Hairdressers. Dont' ask for The Rachel
Once settled in your rooms, please make use of our extensive complimentary services. Visit our hair salon for a trim. You will find the ocean voyage will be much more pleasant with a stylish short back & sides. For the more discerning guest, we also offer manicures, where we can painlessly trim back your horns for both yours and your fellow guests comfort. For some of you heading to certain countries, our medical team will administer any treatments required by those destinations. We also have local professional medical staff on call should any medical emergency arise.

Bar staff cleaning drinks dispenser
Dinner service
Your rooms are made up daily. We would ask that once in your rooms, you remain there unless called upon. Please refrain from rushing the service trolley as they enter your room, as this can lead to accidents. Your pantry is stocked daily in the morning. Feel free to indulge in breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, lunch, twosies, afternoon tea, dinner and supper. Should you run low on food during the day, the service trolley will be around to top up as required. Your liquid refreshment dispenser is also cleaned daily at the same time. Please try and refrain from toileting in the dispenser, as this is not hygienic

A day before your departure to the wharf for embarkation on your cruise, two separate medical staff will check to see if you are still up to the trip. Some guests find that our services do not meet their requirements, or despite our best efforts, refuse to eat our cuisine. Should the medical staff deem you unfit for the voyage, we will have no choice but to delay your travels. Again, this is for your own benefit, and there is a very good chance you can go on the next voyage.

Complimentry transfer. Bon voyage.
Once your transport arrives, you will be helped aboard and transferred in the quickest and safest manner possible to the wharf, where again, you will be transferred to the liner at the earliest convenience. As a final precaution, another team of medical staff will make the final assessment as too your suitableness for the journey before your final boarding call.

We trust your stay will be pleasant. Please tell your friends and family and we look forward to assisting them in the near future.

Kind Regards


Hotel De Feedlote.

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Anonymous said...

Great read Micheal, it shows what really happens on ground with your funny twist added.
Keep making us all laugh, as you know I'm a huge fan of Ned the kelpie.
Cheers Tahn

Steph said...

This is absolutely fabulous!!

Anonymous said...

Do I see shade/shelter/windbreaks as required by the ASEL? No? If not why not?

Michael said...

That would be the trees in the background, though I doubt that makes you any happier. But thanks for your concern.