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Thursday 3 November 2011

Golden Rules of Farming Part 6

I was stuck on the last ten for a while, but the last few days have given me inspiration.

126. The seed cleaner that has run just fine for the last four hours while you carefully watched it, blocks up and spills grain everywhere when you duck behind the tractor for a quick leak.

127. Never put too many oversize signs or amber lights on your wide load, otherwise it's hard to plead ignorant cocky when the cops pull you over.

128. PTO shaft guards are excellent at preventing things getting caught in the shaft. They are also excellent at preventing the grease gun from reaching the multitude of grease nipples on them.

129. If your stock carter starts puffing just from climbing down from the cab of his truck, you're in for a long day.

130. When recieving stock into the depot, no trucks will appear all morning, then when you decide to have lunch, six roll in at the same time.

131. Never put lights in your sheepyards. It just encourages more work.

132. Sheep are more scared of a shadow or a ray of sunlight than the two dogs and three men hollering behind them.

133. People who use the term "a roll in the hay" have never handled hay in their life. I couldn't think of anything worse.

134. Whoever suffers from allergies the worst is automatically the designated hay baler operator.

135. You know it's a good hay crop when you are worried while mowing the hay about bogging the tractor on top of the previous laps windrow.

136. You know it's a bad hay crop when you use your nieghbours 36 foot header to swath it.

137.  It's not usually the dogs fault. It's probably yours.

138. When walking back to the seed & super truck while seeding at night, beware the plover guarding their nest. They'll take five years off your life.

139. Plovers move for no man. Or tractor. Brownie points with the wife can be gained by going around them, but then lost with the agronomist.

140. Remember to let the dog of the chain ten minutes early for a crap before putting him on the ute.

141. Wear your sock tan with pride.

142. When wearing your sock tan with pride, don't forget the sunscreen. There is nothing more painfull then sliding a workboot over the tops of burnt feet.

143. Handling freshly weaned lambs is like trying to herd fish.

144. It takes longer to get the drench gun working than it does to drench the first mob.

145. If you plan on having kids at some stage, get somebody else to drench the little ram lambs.

146. When the sheep catch the drench backpack hose and rip it off, cold slimy sheep drench running down your back, into your bum crack and filling your underwear would be one of the more unpleasant sensations you will come across.

147. Knuckle skin is an optional extra.

148. It pays to tighten wheel nuts. Chasing a bouncing rim through the scrub is not fun. (Thank you Heidi)

149. If you run the quad bike out of fuel and switch to reserve, make sure you switch it back when you fill up. Otherwise you will drain the entire tank when you are miles away from anywhere.

150. Firing up the header auger in the shed to clean out the live bee hive is a great idea, until you realise you have to get out of the header at some point.

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Alison Fairleigh said...

You need to contact a publisher & get these "Golden Rules" turned into a coffee-table book Michael! Fresh with great farming photos & all. I can even see a calendar in the deal :-)

Justin Matthews said...

Hey Michael do you mind if I include a screenshot and link this page back to a page on my blog, would make a great addition to my farming humor section.

Michael said...

Justin, no worries mate, share away.

Fiona said...

Have really enjoyed your Golden Rules of Farming series. Can relate to oh-so-many of them!

Recipe Spooning said...

Inteeresting thoughts