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Friday 9 September 2011

Golden Rules of Farming. Part 5

#101. Just when you think you're done, something else comes up.

#102. When your wife is crouched down next to you holding while you are welding, try to hold in your farts.

#103. The worse the bra, the rougher the paddock. Offers of help aren't appreciated. Neither is accelerating.

#104. Try to transfer the data to your office records before you lose the little red (or green) notebook in your pocket.

#105. Machinery field days are like strip clubs. You spend all day staring at something you can't afford and wouldn't know what to do with anyways.

#106. The fewer trees in the paddock, the more likely the chaser bin driver will wipe off his auger on one.

#107. After helping your neighbour and using his flash auto darkening welding helmet, always remember you still have to flip the visor on yours. It becomes blindingly obvious otherwise.

#108. Visitors who complain about the two gates along your driveway forget that you open and close them each day. Twice, at least.

#109. The corrugated driveway that gets all sorts of complaints barely rates a mention when you make the effort to grade it.

#110. If the sample hut staff ask whether you want to call your truck load of grain wheat or gravel, you may want to ask the header driver to lift the comb a little.

#111. The only thing more frustrating then hearing the spanner you've just dropped from the top of the header rattle through the bowels of the machine and hit the ground, is hearing the spanner rattle through the bowels of the machine and not hit ground.

#112. The only thing more frustrating than #111 is forgetting the spanner and seeing the bowels of the machine come flying out the back as you throw it into gear.

#113. Calling a runaway puppy and not sounding angry is impossible.

#114. When asked how much is left as you are emptying out a silo, field bin or other, the standard reply is "only a couple of bags."

#115. Try not to throttle people who say farmers are lucky because they don't pay for water.

#116. How soon into a fencing job the air rammer breaks and you switch to the hand rammer depends on how hard the ground is.

#117. Pulling machinery apart is easy. Putting it back together again, not so. And there are always bits left over.

#118. Before tipping dead stock into the offal pit, check to make sure you have latched the quick hitch on the loader bucket properly.

#119. If #118 wasn't followed by the tractor driver and you're the one who didn't latch the quick hitch, lie.

#120. When in snake panic mode, try to be aware of what's behind the snake before you let fly with the shotgun. To justify five dead chooks, a dozen broken eggs, two scared witless dogs and a hole in the water tank it would need to be a huge one. And not a carpet python.

#121. Bungarra's love to lurk in the water trough and sneak up just as you bend over to pull the bung.

#122. The rain that brings up the feed also hides the holes, gutters, rocks and logs. Beware on the motorbike.

#123. No matter what size, the shed is never big enough.

#124. The correct ratio when mixing firelighing fluid is one third petrol, two thirds diesel. Not the other way around.

#125. The one year you decide not to put in a crop is the one year that breaks all rainfall, yield and grain price records. As in highest ever.

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Anne T said...

I'll add a couple more for you MT.

- you can dress the baby in old 5 X times hand-me-downs for a week straight and have no mishaps but the day you dress it in the fancy white cute lil outfit that neurotic (correct spelling pls) gave you as a gift before said aunt comes to visit will be the day the baby does a huge poo, the nappy overflows and the white outfit is not more. And this usually happens while said aunt is holding the lil cherub.

Rebecca said...

My favourite one yet.

Andrew said...

As with part 1-4, I love it - especially #113

GB said...

I have just put a post on my blog ...

Linking back to all parts of your golden rules of farming. I still read them when I need a laugh.

Michael said...

Why thank you. Love your work too, I imagine it would be a great resource for governess' (governesses? governess's? governi?)

BET said...

Excellent work Michael, always good for a giggle.

I left the ruddy dog off the chain last night, also forgot to look chooks up. Didn't end well so a laugh is needed :(

BET said...


Sigh. Maybe I need to read all the rules from the start to get my day moving in the right direction...