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Sunday 4 September 2011

Golden Rules of Farming. Part 4

Thanks must go to the good people on the Save Live Export Facebook page, who appear to have the same warped sense of humour I do, for their help with this last (for now) twenty five.

#76. The further you throw a tool in anger the harder it is to find. And when you do find it it will be broken.

#77. Never, ever curse the rain. Mother Nature has good ears and she is a vindictive bitch.

#78. When picking rocks in the freshly seeded hay paddock, do not worry if you miss any. The hay mower will find every one for you in the spring.

#79. The one time you forget to lock up the chickens at night is the one time the sheepdog breaks his chain at night.

#80. Bush flies head up your nose only when your hands are covered in grease or afterbirth.

#81. Cows and ewes are of the opinion that cold, wet and windy nights make for ideal birthing conditions.

#82. The day somebody borrows your utes jack is the day you get a flat.

#83. The stock agent who books the truck for Monday inevitably doesn't show for the draft Sunday.

#84. No matter how sealed the rain water tank, the frogs always get in.

#85. When hosting unsuspecting female guests, remember that the frogs living in the dunny bowls natural reaction is to jump upwards when it suddenly gets dark. Keep a mop handy.

#87. Bugs always hit the windscreen in the drivers line of sight. Same applies to stone chips.

#88. Bugs are also taught from an early age to aim for the eyes of the motorbike rider silly enough to forget his glasses.

#89. When filling the workrace, no matter how long the race, or how few or how many animals you bring up, the last one won't fit.

#90. If you stop work and make time for visitors staying a couple of days, when it's time to go they tell you what a great relaxed life you have. If you keep working regardless, then they complain/suggest it would have been nice to have had more time to kick back and catch up...

#91.  If the cattle get into your houseyard, they will always pick your favourite shrub to scratch themselves on and destroy it.

#92. Goats make excellent pets. Until they dance across the bonnet of your new car.

#93. The stores freezer out the back only dies after you fill it with meat, and you only notice after it begins to smell. Two weeks later.

#94. When quietly drafting cattle, a cow that hasn't made a noise all day suddenly calls out to it's calf at the exact same time you call out to the gate swinger to draft off an iffy steer. Cows, incidentally, have a much louder call than you do.

#95. Always, always, always, apply the pour on drench after the brand.

#96. When lighting the donkey (wood fired hot water heater) for the first time in winter, remember to check the relief valve isn't blocked. An explosion of steel and concrete gets messy.

#97. While wandering through a 28 000 acre paddock, just as the thought "I must be the first bloke to tread on this bit of land..." occurs to you, you trip over an old bicycle wheel.

#98. Just as you've come in for the day, sat down, knocked the top of the first beer and dinner has been put in front of you, the phone rings. It's always for you.

#99. If you didn't laugh, you'd cry.

#100. It doesn't matter if it's fire, flood, drought, dust storm, dog attacks, bureaucracy gone mad, or any other of the multitude of dramas we seem to face, when asked, the response always is the same. "There's people worse off than us. It's them I feel sorry for."

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GB said...

Once again you have come up with some pearls of wisdom which have been referred to on our property. This is great. I could read this forev er and keep laughing

Anne T said...

pls don't make me laugh, post c/s recovery is painful.

alifeworthliving said...

At #83, just as you are struggling with the last strainer of the line, half in the ground and half on you, that seems to be the time owners, agents, reps and others turn up and go "you want a hand mate?"